Monday, December 14, 2009

Easing my doubts

I started the day today in prayer, literally pleading with the Lord to help ease the anxiety and doubt that I felt coming over me once again about Abby's adoption. It seems the more time I have to wait, the more room it allows for doubt and fear to set in. Are we doing the right thing?? Is this really all from Him, or have I imagined it all up, have I dreamed up that He is asking me to step forward here, that He is the one who has called us to do this? I've had times where I've been SO sure, so certain that no matter how it all turns out, we stepped forward in faith because it was definitely His voice we heard calling. Yet once again this morning I found my faith wavering, not my faith in Him, but just that this adoption will actually happen, or that it was even meant to be. I have to admit I've had days (this morning being one of them) where I've felt like He is not watching, like He's busy elsewhere and does not see me, for after all, what is our little daily drama in the scope of the whole world???? So I do what I do at such times, and I prayed for strength and for a renewal of my faith. And this is the sweet gift He gave me......

I opened up my Bible just for a brief moment before racing off to the gym (I usually have my quiet time after I get back. I have to make it to the gym before DH leaves for work, or I don't get to go). Very randomly, just cracked it open, and I was reading these verses: "Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:28-31

What a nice reminder that He is watching over our every move and has not forgotten us, or Abby!! With a smile on my face and already feeling better, and enjoying the fact that I have such an awesome Father and that He picks me up every single time I start to stumble, I headed off to the gym.

I got back and managed to finish a shower and still have a housefull of sleeping children, which meant time for a truly QUIET quiet time. Again, feeling His love here, because He knew I needed it today. Turned to my devotional, where the focus verse of the day was Matthew 14:31 "Immediately, Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, 'You of little faith, why did you doubt?" And the reading to follow reminded me of how Peter leapt out of the boat without hesitation when Jesus called, but his faith fizzled out and he started sinking. What a very appropriate reminder for me today!! The prayer at the end said "Heavenly Father, when your direction is obvious, help me not to doubt". By this time I was pretty astonished, and realized His message could not be any clearer if I was looking at a burning bush...... And I felt so incredibly loved, and so GRATEFUL that He is so patient with me, when I continously develop shaking knees if I have to wait more than "average" waiting times for anything. And grateful for the fact that He hears me and so tenderly and DIRECTLY answers me.

And as if that were not enough, I turned to my SECOND devotional (yes, I love devotionals). I was actually reading Dec. 13 because I don't read my devotionals on Sunday. A quote from J.R. Miller awaited me "If you are in the deep shadows because of some strange, mysterious providence, do not be afraid. Simply go on in faith and love, never doubting. God is watching, and He will bring good and beauty out of all your pain and tears."

Awesome!!! Isn't He SO GOOD?????!!!!!!!!!


  1. Oh, thanks for sharing those! What a great reminder for those of us waiting to bring our little ones home!

    Praying you receive your TA this week! :)

  2. You are getting ready to see the face of is amazing, and yes, he is in every single step of the adoption. Nothing has happened by chance or luck. Will you have bad days? Sure, but the good will out way the bad by a million! Prayers for you.

  3. I so have had the same feelings...
    the same questions....fears and doubts....

    I am so glad that our God is so patient and loving with us...that He knows our human frailties and weak emotions...and that He, time and time again, provides for us, comforts us, and gives us His Word to get us through another glorious is that???

    Thanks for sharing....

  4. There will be many times throughout this adoption where you will feel doubt because it is so monumental that at times it doesn't seem real. I am still wondering if China was all just a dream to me even though I hear Everest's voice down the hall!

  5. So I'm not the only one with those same feelings of doubt?
    It amazes me every time God gives us what we need right when we need it. He is so Good!
    I will be praying for your TA to come soon.